No Excuses!

I am in Ohio this weekend to visit my family. I have seen them all except for my mother who still refuses to speak to me. She also still refuses to speak to my aunt simply because my aunt still insists on being in my life. All of my family, in fact, insists on continuing a relationship with me. I don't deserve them but they do see that I have changed and am trying to make ammends with them.

I spoke in length to my daughter last night. She is 22 years old and I have not been in her life for some years. Some of these years were because of extenuating circumstances that were not entirely my fault. I had obstacles in my way but I know that they were obstacles that I could have overcome had I invested the time and energy. I gave up. No excuses! I just simply lost the will to fight. Yet my children should have been the one thing that I should never stop fighting for. No matter my faults and flaws, they love me still. I know that they love me because I love them so fiercely.

I have made it a point in my life to never speak ill of their father. He may have been a lousy husband but he has always been the best father that he could be. I know this because my children have grown to be the wonderful people they are today. I did, however, decide to relate a small portion of my experience of being married to their father last night when I spoke candidly to my daughter. I prefaced the conversation by telling her that what I was about to say was not meant to change her feelings toward her father. I only wanted for her to realize the pain that he caused me without sharing every hurtful moment of our marriage. She cried because she felt empathy for me. I cried because she felt empathy for me. I did not use these events to make excuses for my choices. I used these events so that she would understand my decisions in life. My decisions may have been wrong but at the time I felt that I did the best for my children. I also told her that some of my decisions were based on pure selfishness on my part.

I truly believe that my honesty has increased my newfound relationship with my children. They may not agree with my decisions, as I have not agreed with all of my decisions, but they respect the fact that I am honest and not making excuses for my behaviors. I hope that they have learned that making mistakes is part of life but admitting them and learning to grow from them is what makes a person respectable. I still make a lot of mistakes but I am learning and growing. My children understand that and it makes me feel joy that I had not felt in a very long time. Finally we are able to share our lives, our laughter and our love in spite of our decisions.