Mother's Day

Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I have many mixed emotions about motherhood. Honestly, I doubt that I would ever be nominated for Mother of the Year. I have made so many mistakes when it comes to parenting. Some decisions I made because I truly believed that I was doing the best by my two children. Some decisions I made out of sheer selfishness. I basically abandoned my children when they were still young. I always loved them more than my own life but I was too obsessed with my own misery. I blamed my own childhood for many of my mistakes, but finally came to realize that I am the only person responsible for my mistakes. Believe it or not, my only great desire in my life was to have a family. A normal, happy family; one that I felt I had been deprived. Unfortunately I ended up making the same mistakes that my own mother made with me. The biggest difference is that I love my children and will do anything to rectify my mistakes. One mistake that I vow to never make is to be unforgiving of my children. There has never been, and never will be, anything that I would hold against my children. I love, and will continue to love, my daughter and son unconditionally. I wish that my own mother would offer me the same.

I still struggle to accept the fact that my mother does not love me nor will she ever love me unconditionally. I just cannot wrap my brain around this concept. I always thought that a mother would automatically love her child. I have searched my soul to understand what I have done to make her not love me. I have felt worthless and unlovable. I have cried countless tears. I have endured dysfunctional relationships just so that someone would love me.

Today I vow to love myself and realize that if someone does not love me then that is their shortcoming and not mine. I vow to never allow another person to make me feel any less than I truly am. I truly am human and I make mistakes but that does not make me unlovable. Today, at this moment, I promise to live my life, laugh as often as possible and love myself!