Dream Analysis

When I was about four or five years old, at the most, I had a nightmare that has been embedded in my mind for my entire life. I always wondered if there was any meaning to it. It must have some meaning rooted in a deep seeded fear. I have analyzed every moment of it from time to time all of my life. I have not decided exactly what it means.

I was playing with a tube of lipstick and my mom warned me not to make a mess with it. I am sure she thought that I would try to apply the ruby red lipstick on my lips. I, on the other hand, began rubbing it along her carpeting. As I rubbed it harder and harder the tube ignited and fire shot across the room and down the shared hallway of her apartment building. When the blaze burned out my Nanny lay helpless at the far end. Two paramedics were raking up blackened leaves while they shook their heads from side to side. I ran to my Nanny as she lay on a gurney. In a weak, almost inaudible voice she repeated a solitary word. “Why?” Paralyzed by fear, I could only look sadly into her eyes. I had no explanation for hurting her so.

I have concocted a couple of theories regarding the meaning of the dream. Maybe I had, or would, hurt her beyond any imagination. Perhaps I would disappoint her so that she would be heartbroken. I suppose I did break her heart many times during her lifetime. But the way I imagined she would be the most heartbroken was if she knew how I longed to be with my mom. I loved my Nanny deeply but my deepest desire was to live with my mom. In my imagination the fire emanating from my tube of lipstick was my burning desire to be with my mom. The blackened leaves represented the ashes of my Nanny’s broken heart. I wonder if, when I did leave her home to live with my mom, she was as devastated as she was in my dream. I hope that she knew I loved her deeply and that she forgave me for my perceived betrayal.