The Long Journey From Resentment To Appreciation

When I was in therapy my counselor looked at me one day and bluntly told me that I had a lot of resentment. My first thought was, “How dare you tell me that? I have been wronged throughout my life and you should be taking pity on me instead of judging me!” my second thought was, “How dare that woman? She didn’t live the life I lived!” my third, fourth, fifth and hundredth thought were all along the same vein. It took me quite a few sessions for the concept of resentment to sink into my head. I was so wrapped up in my own self-pity I could not, or would not, realize the truth. Probably the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life was look past all of the injustices I had to endure throughout my life.

The object of my biggest resentment was my mother. I blamed her for everything that happened to me during my childhood and all the mistakes I made in my adulthood. It was always her fault that my life had turned out so miserably. If she had not abandoned me with my grandparents I would not have witnessed the cruelty that happened in that house. If I did not have to care for my little sister so many nights I could have had the youth my peers lived. If only she had loved me I wouldn’t feel so worthless. My life was filled with “if only’s.” Until one day I came to realize the truth about my mother.

My mother, like the rest of us, is not perfect. I think every child wants that one perfect parent that exists only in the land of make believe, or better known as television. Once I stepped back from my self-pity I saw the many wonderful gifts she had given to me. If she had not left me in the care of my grandparents I would not have had the unbreakable bond between me and my Nanny. I had felt that my mother was selfish when she went away. Now I realize the totally selfless act her heart wrenching decision must have been. She also rescued me from my Papa’s cruelty; he never abused small children, so my mother came back for me when I was seven. If I had not spent so much time with my sister, nine and half years younger than I was, I would not have had the close, loving relationship that I share with her to this day. I am certain that I would never had the love of these women in my life.

I have learned that all the mistakes I have made were my choice. I chose to be miserable and negative. Today I choose to view life from a different angle. An angle that looks at the blessings in my life instead of the misfortunes. Now that I have come to these realizations, I appreciate her, flaws and all. She is my best friend, biggest supporter and loving caregiver. My mother has given me the greatest gifts in my life. She gave me life, laughter and love.